What to do when our past affects our present

The wife said to me while in my office, “I told him, ‘there’s the door.’”

This couple have disagreed for years about parenting.  Their childhood experiences are instructive in understanding why they differ.  She grew up in a family with a lot of love. There were problems but nothing too caustic or destructive.

His parents made him start working very young so he always struggled, frequently failed and often went without–without proper clothes, transportation, food and most especially love.

Remarkably he wants to raise his son the same way he was raised.  On some level he has to defend that it was good for him.  He seems to have to believe this.

What then happens is he projects his own negative core beliefs on the son.  He describes his son as no good, an idiot, worthless.  Of course these are his own unconscious beliefs about himself.

So the husband walks into the kitchen and finds the 20yo son making a mess, cooking for himself.  The real issue is the conflict in his mind.  How can this young man have the audacity to live his life so freely?  How can he be at ease with himself?

The son had gotten into the father’s special spices and oils as he makes a nice lasagna.  The husband argues with the son and then his wife.  He can’t believe the disrespect, the audacity.  And the argument escalates.  His main tactics are belittling, belligerence and threats.  The script is not new.  They’ve had this argument before, said these words before.  He threatens to leave

Before she has begged him to stay.  Fearing the loss of family she has given in.  But she has been growing, developing a stronger sense of purpose and personal authority.  She had been on her heels, but this time she steps forward. Now she was ready for him to decide.

She didn’t cry.  She didn’t yell.  She just wanted him to decide.  “There’s the door.”  Which way did he want to go?    She was clear in her heart that she was okay with whichever way he decided.  She said,  “It breaks my heart, that’s his son.  But he has to decide.  In or out.”

They are reading the Bible together and meeting with their pastor.  They are trying to figure out what sacrificial love is.  Love that gives itself away.

Life can be awfully messy.  I wish Couples could easily see and do the right thing.  But we tend to be pretty selfish, see things from our own point of view.   Not to mention the hurts and habits we are still trying to overcome.

She said, “I do love him but I can’t forget.  And I’m angry about what I can’t forget.”

George and Martha

Martha and George Washington

On July 4, 1776, Martha Washington had just turned 45 years old. I’ve always been a fan of our first president, but just learned that Martha and I share a birthday of June 2.

As the Continental Congress was meeting in Philadelphia, Martha was evacuating along with others from New York, the site of the next big battle of the Revolutionary War. The British armada just off shore numbered more than 400 ships and was the largest naval force ever seen in American waters. The Americans had just won the fight in Boston but this was an unprecedented escalation.

She had already buried her first husband and a daughter. No stranger to grief, she must have been concerned as she made her way home to Mount Vernon. Maybe you know how she felt during this season of life.

George and Martha were quite a pair. She was quite possibly the wealthiest widow in Virginia when they married. But at 5 feet tall, Martha’s style caught the eye of the 6’2” George. She enjoyed her jewelry and was married in a pair of purple silk shoes. Their love is evident in the letters between them. In later years, he wore a painted miniature locket of her and apparently had it on him when he died.

Just a year before, as he was being named the Commander in Chief of the Continental Army, George wrote a letter dated June 23, 1775, from Philadelphia. He tells her he is headed to Boston. He includes, “I go fully trusting in providence, which has been more bountiful to me than I deserve, and in full confidence of a happy meeting with you some time in the fall.” And, “I return an unalterable affection for you which neither time or distance can change.”

It’s a political statement to say that George Washington’s character was absolutely critical to the birth of our nation and the freedom we enjoy today. The shared experience of Christian faith and devotion to each other secured George and Martha in that foundation.

They had married in 1759 and had some years of peace together between the French and Indian wars and the Revolutionary War. He was a happily married man. Our first president enjoyed cards, hunting, fishing, dancing and theater, but it is interesting to note that once married he never again recorded in his diary attendance at a cock-fight.

In 1785 he wrote, “I have always considered marriage as the most interesting event of one’s life, the foundation of happiness or misery.”

George was circumspect with his private life but gave some advice about coupling.

“Neither directly nor indirectly have I ever said a syllable to Fanny or George upon the subject of their connection. But as their attachment to each other seems to have been early formed, warm and lasting, it bids fair to be happy: if therefore you have no objection, I think the sooner it is consummated the better.”

On this holiday, we remember the courage and moral fiber underpinning our celebrations.