Solve for X
Where do you find yourself? I’m not asking where you are on the map. I’m wondering about the deep kind of philosophical finding yourself, your true nature or your truth. In good times or bad, we can grow.
Certainly, our Coupling offers rich opportunities for growth. I’m saying this with some caution because relationships can be like that little girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead. “And when she was good, she was very, very good and when she was bad, she was horrid.”
My operational theory suggests we need a healthy individual to create a healthy couple. But I also believe that through healthy Coupling we experience a dynamic tension that yields a strong individual. Think of an algebra equation with an equals sign in the middle, healthy couple on one side, healthy individual on the other. Now, solve for X.
Can I really believe both sides of this equation? I do, indeed. But I just read an article that starts from a strongly individualized focus.
Danielle Sepulveres, a freelance writer based in New York, says, “I don’t want to be the most important person in your life.” She lived for many years with the belief “that love should trump everything else in my life.”
In time this has shifted; she now places the most attention on her own personal aspirations and interest, partner or not. “I’d like to be a team that supports each other in their individual pursuits without resentment.” Her pursuit of personal goals would come before shared interest.
One way to solve for X would be to ask if you are an extrovert or an introvert. Don’t assume the popular definition of a loud, attention seeker versus a quiet, shy type. With these personality types, Carl Jung was describing how we learn and how we are energized.
Energized by the crowd, we notice the extroverts’ heightened engagement. They tend to learn in the exchange of ideas, figuring out what they are thinking as they feed off of dialogue.
The introvert is quite the opposite, not in any kind of negative way even though our cult of personality seems to suggest this. Complete in his or her own thoughts the introvert suffers in the hustle of superficial party talk. They will take time to reflect so their thinking is clear as they move into action.
Introverts get defined as reserved but they are simply considering their own thoughts even as the extrovert is bouncing theirs off the people and walls around them.
So how does your type affect your Coupling? Or how do you find yourself in your Coupling? I would suggest each could allow and even support the other in their specific way of being while challenging oneself to go beyond the constrictions of your type.
At my house that means allowing my wife her quiet time while I challenge myself to appreciate the quiet. The vice versa side suggests that she allow for my externalized disorganization while joining me in a little unplanned spontaneity.
You may find yourself in your pursuits, in your relationship or in a quiet moment by the river. Whichever it is, bring your truth to bear on your Coupling.Sol
nfidelity, Getting past the betrayal
So what happens when infidelity has occurred in your Coupling? Most people will experience symptoms that mirror the symptoms of grief. You will feel shock and disbelief. These may be followed by profound sadness or intense anger. This can be the most traumatic and damaging event in a committed relationship.
A barrage of questions may flood the mind. Can I stay here? How could he/she do this to me? How could I not know? Is the relationship over? Can we heal from this? I thought you loved me!!!
Infidelity may take several forms. Financial infidelity can be very damaging, when one partner hides spending practices. We usually think of infidelity in the context of sexual behavior when a partner has had an extramarital affair.
Of course there are degrees to this behavior. One may have an emotional affair. This may develop into an overtly sexual encounter or series of events. Addiction can also be present when one partner, even before the relationship begins, has started down a path of escalating behaviors. Pornography, random hook ups, driving to the big city for a prostitute and the serial relationships of the traveling executive can be evidence of sexual addiction.
Betrayal defines the experience of the partner. People cope with betrayal in different ways. Some may try to believe the offending partner’s lies. They may try to tolerate or normalize the behavior. Some doubt themselves and begin to second-guess their reality or culpability.
The unfaithful partner has been hiding their shame or in denial of the behavior. Once they confess the defenses arise immediately. Shame can also motivate confession but could just as easily hinder the process. Hopefully the offending partner can fully disclose their behavior (and I would suggest this happen in the presence of a helping professional).
But once the shock wears off and the internal bargaining has failed, the victim is left with the awful feelings of betrayal. Shame and confusion dominate. The victim may question their body image or wonder how they pushed the offender to this behavior. They may feel paralyzed or worse obligated to try to win their partner back into the committed relationship. The couple may experience sexual dysfunction or aversion.
Studies show that intimate partner betrayal may be more difficult to process than other traumatic experiences. The psychological damage may be akin to one who has been victimized by sexual abuse or molestation. The secrecy and willing decisions accrue damage that builds a residue that is difficult to wash off. The very ones who we hope are loving and protecting us have caused the hurt and humiliation.
One’s whole sense of safety and stability becomes weakened. Finally we lose connection. This suffering can seem hopeless and overwhelming.
The experience can be overwhelming but I am always hopeful about the strength of a committed relationship. If both can be honest and work through their feelings, trust can grow. If both can tolerate their own pain and validate the other persons healing process, love will emerge. Ultimately we have to get past the shame and offer a healing hand of forgiveness.
It took fourteen years.
They met in college during the heady days of Greek life and Herschel Walker. Fall football and spring socials found button down fraternity boys longing for the patterned sundresses on the sorority girls. The times when Coupling is an adventure and auditions happen for the potential life long gig.
These two met among mutual friends. Friends so close that in time they began to refer to themselves as “the Family.” As college came to a close, the young and innocent partiers graduated to the real life of jobs and committed relationships. Most of those who were paired began to predictably marry.
Frank and Lisa were no different than the other members of the Family. Good times were plentiful in college and the relationships were deep and meaningful. Engagement for them was as joyful as it was expected.
But Lisa’s life was unsettled, things were happening beyond her control. Most destructively, her parent’s bitter relationship was wasting under the challenge of an empty nest.
It was 1984 and with ten days to go before the wedding, Lisa panicked and pulled out of Frank’s life. He was devastated. Who could understand her decision? His friends came to his defense. Obviously she had problems. Her character was questionable. She was no good for him anyway, they said. Move on with your life, they said.
And he tried. He dated. Frank had several long-term relationships. But he just couldn’t commit to marry. One even had children that he parented as well as a long-term boyfriend can. But he had lost his one true love. He knew he would never love that way again.
Lisa moved on, literally. She left the state, found love and married. And all seemed to go well until it didn’t. Arguments unresolved led to bitterness and resentment. Her dissatisfaction with him and her own life led to greater distance. Divorce became the reasonable outcome.
It was a totally random and somewhat awkward moment when they found themselves in the same gate at the Denver airport waiting to fly to Atlanta. The time and the space dictated their closeness. They chatted, cautiously. Slowly probing life’s movements they shared their ups and downs over the past decade and change.
Oddly, Frank was concerned with what his friends would think. The Family had been thru many more football Saturdays, babys born and even the death of a parent. It was weird to think of bringing her back into the fold. He and Lisa cautiously began to talk.
But it was too late already. From the moment they looked eye to eye, began to imagine the possibilities, allowed hope to flicker, the die was cast. Friends would have to understand.
They set the wedding date. They would be married on the same date, in the same church, and with the same people gathered as would have gathered 14 years before.
He says she was definitely worth the wait. She says she’s a better wife for the lessons life has taught her. The race goes to the passionate not necessarily the fast. True love really does prevail.
Coupling in its simplest form
I want to say as clearly as I can what I believe about Coupling. To jump all the way to the conclusion, it is my belief that the commitment of two people to each other, to devote themselves to the other, is the way of growth for our species. This would encompass an evolutionary model or a spiritual model, take your pick.
Romantic love is tricky, even fickle business. But it is so powerful that it can’t be ignored. Miraculously, we fall in love. We get twitter pated according to the bunny in “Bambi.” Love draws us together from some mysterious primal force within. And we can’t live without the other, they occupy our thoughts, they tug at our heartstrings. What’s going on? We don’t know why but we have to follow and honor this knowing, this new sense of truth about the world now that we’ve met this special someone.
And so we commit. We figure out how to get closer by spending time together, living together, even getting married. Are we seeking unmet attachment issues from our infancy? Are we responding to a primal biological need? Did God lead us to him/her to fulfill a destiny or divine will? Maybe it was all just pheromones!
Whatever, we try to shape a life with this other person. We know we feel good and want more of it. But getting more of that feel good requires some work. We can’t live in the fantasy world of puppy love and romantic infatuation. Life will bring challenges and conflict, suffering and dissatisfaction.
For me, this is where the water hits the wheel. To continue to stay in relationship, to get the goodies we want, we have to learn to be better humans. We will learn to defer our own needs to care for the one we love. Primitive impulses, fear based decisions and our controlling ego will either sabotage the relationship or be identified as the imposters they are and be driven out.
It’s tricky business to get as specific as gender issues when talking about each side of the equation of a committed dyad, that’s hi-toned language for two people. We can talk about masculine traits or feminine traits, what men or women should do. But often times these tasks are blurred, and the goal is that some one takes care of nurturing and organizing and planning and accomplishing the work of a home and maybe a family.
With these differences tension develops. This tension forces compromise, reflection and growth.
Ultimately a spiritual journey arises. Our base or selfish and unconscious self must be abandoned as we seek to devote ourselves to the love and service of our mate.
Now, I know, this is deep stuff, and may even put a lot of pressure on the relationship. But in truest and simplest form, our Coupling or committed relationship makes us better individuals who are self aware and other aware. And from that strength we can better care for ourselves, each other, and the larger community around us.
Too much? Simply said the answer is love, primitive and divine, love!
Good coupling includes listening, sharing, sacrificing
He complained to his wife, “I’m not getting enough affection, matter of fact, the only place I’m getting any affection is from the dog, and it’s just not enough.” To which, she replied, “We’re not getting another dog!”
Coupling is always a struggle of communicating needs, sharing feelings, and even sometimes, taking a hit for the team. Sometimes our Coupling requires a little sacrifice.
Each couple will have to struggle with the boundaries of self-sacrifice, service and selfishness. From these fluid facets of every relationship, we hammer out the shape and meaning of our common life together.
We all need to get in touch with our feelings and hopefully we have the safety and security in the relationship to share these feelings. (I’m a therapist, I’m contractually required by the guild to say these things.) Out of our feelings comes a sense of need. You might think about hunger and eating, cold and a good sweater.
Hopefully we have a partner that we can share these feelings and needs with but this doesn’t always means these needs will be met.
This is a little different than the common problem of not listening. Too often we are listening only to refine our argument against the request. We might be listening but really thinking of our point and how it perfectly refutes what the other has said. This is just poor communication.
What I’m referring to is the limitations and weaknesses of any two people. What if I’m chatting with old high school girlfriends on BookFace and its’ perfectly innocent? Maybe planning a reunion or get together (My old girlfriend, Julie. is laughing right now.) But my wife is threatened. What do I do?
Well if I’m interested in teaching her how right I am, that she need not worry about me, then I go on doing what I’m doing. But then I haven’t really listened to her concerns, haven’t heard her feelings and instead I’ve put my needs in front of hers.
If I can tolerate yielding to a little sacrifice and giving a little service then I will find a different way to communicate with my old friends. Theoretically, or what I say out loud is I put my spouses needs first. Then I need to put some action behind this and try to respond her needs.
He asked her to go out to the symphony, but she’s a little tired and doesn’t want to go, “I don’t have anything to wear,” she says. But he enjoys it and likes to be out. Can she get past her resistance and say yes?
Sometimes we may have to say no to your own desires, our own first impulses to focus on the needs of our mate.
I generally think we need to love our lovers through their weaknesses instead of forcing our own will. Relationships require a different kind of softness or allowing. We need to accept our significant other where they are and grow from there.
Good luck in your listening which may lead to sharing that could require a sacrifice to get to get to the contented Coupling you imagine.
Coupling: Ocean and sand reflect give and take in our coupling
Join me as we draw some parallels between the seashore and our coupling.
The ocean and the shore live in a restless harmony, daily fashioning a truce of compromise. The sea rolls forward for high tide, the beach accepting the change initiated by the moon and encouraged by the winds. Then the tide rolls out, exposing sand where water was.
The basic components of earth, wind, fire and water find expression here. When you see a thunderstorm blowing in, or lightning in the sky, you are a witness to the elemental forces of life.
Many travel to the coast for vacation. Maybe you do, too. But even if you don’t, white sand and blue water make a beautiful tableau. You may eat out, shop, play golf or drink too much, but it’s that intersection of land and sea — beach and tumbling waves — that you want to be near.
If you go to the beach often, you will notice the landscape shifting and changing daily. The sand may be soft and powdery or firm, the waves may laugh or roar. New dunes may form; tide pools linger and then are erased; and sand bars reveal shallow water, then deep, then new land.
If you are adventurous, you may claim your new island — but only while the tide wanes because things will change even as they stay the same.
The beautiful struggle of “two becoming one” came to my mind as I reflected on the beach. Two are never fully one in the material world. But, in a poetic way, we are — just as the surf and the sand are. One without the other is a desert or a featureless expanse of ocean. Both are beautiful in their own right but not so dynamic as the beach.
I am one of those people who can really enjoy the beach. I love to sit and read, walk or body surf in the waves, build sand castles or play bocce ball. I could go on and on. This energy and enjoyment comes from this simple tension that arises from the proximity of the water and the land — ever changing, ever competing, ever accepting.
Coupling is like this. We are always struggling, accepting and changing in the dynamism of the relationship. Hopefully we know our own elemental self and offer that to our mate. We don’t need for them to be like us. Complimentary yet fundamentally different, we exist in mutual appreciation.
The sand mixes in the water; the water permeates the sand. Though they are distinct, there is also constant give and take. The surf never demands the sand to get out of the way and the sand never complains of the daily push and tug.
The storm may come that churns the water and tears at the sand, but time will allow harmony to return — if one is patient. Things may change, but they will return to balance if we are not too demanding.
Recognize the Bias in your thinking
We all have a natural bias toward the way we think and therefore naturally are in opposition to how another thinks. We are familiar with our way of thinking and we don’t understand the thinking of others; their way is unfamiliar.
Generally, when we don’t know what another is thinking, we tend to think it’s a bad thing. When I call my wife and she is short with me on the phone, I might think she’s mad at me. She may just be busy but I can start building a whole scenario of what I’ve done, what she did, guilt I feel, and on and on.
Psychologically, we project negative into a void. That’s a fancy way of saying if I don’t know or understand something then I think it’s probably bad. This happens all the time across lines of class, race, education and national politics. We don’t know the other’s world and what they are thinking, so we tend to think they are selfish, angry or even plotting against us.
If we’re not sure what’s going on with our partner — and we don’t because we don’t know their thoughts — then we may have a bias against them. And our bias is that “I’m right and you’re wrong.”
We are kind of like school- kids. Our school is the best and yours is filled with stuck up losers or preps or thugs, we say. We think we’re right; we’re biased toward ourselves. We’re cool, we think. But that’s just teenage mentality. And it’s a natural bias that we all have.
The challenge is to see through our own bias, to get past that negative point of view. With some effort we can recognize or rethink; if I don’t know what is going on with my partner, it doesn’t have to be a negative.
Instead, if we can put ourselves in the other’s shoes, then we might find a new level of understanding. We might say, this is my world and I’ll try to understand your world.
Our common knowledge is that opposites attract and at the very least men and women differ in how they think. Any two people will see a problem or an opportunity from different points of view. And so in our coupling it’s easy to have a bias favoring our own way of thinking.
If we are diligent and honest and love enough, then we might be able to stay long enough to develop a level of understanding. We might be able to move from head knowledge to heartfelt knowing. We might know and even appreciate how their point of view enhances our lives. We will appreciate the unique gift they bring to the relationship.
It’s hard work, but it has to be done. Stop what you’re doing; stop the self-centered, “I’m right” thinking and try to understand. If we can do this in our coupling, we might be able to reach across those other lines of misunderstanding in color, class and community.
Old Habits Die Hard
Whenever we first meet him or her, we are on our best behavior. We present our best side. We primp longer, dress more sharply, and mind our manners. And we do these things for all of the right reasons.
If things go well, we may even find a partner for life. We go through the courting rituals, get engaged and begin to share everything. Every couple makes note of the mistakes of their parents. No relationship is perfect and each next generation will try to refine the model.
And so we begin the magnificent privilege of two becoming one. Fueled with high hopes and honeymooners joy, how can we go wrong? We have goals regarding the house, the careers, and the most happy and successful children. And this may go very well for many years, but a time may come when we get complacent.
In the comfort of love and security, we may get a little too relaxed. From this position, old patterns can raise their ugly head.*Old Habits Die Hard
Spring is in the air, the last cool snap of winter has passed and the kids are heading to the beaches for a bad sunburn. They may even find a new love, the possibilities on the sands of St. Simons seem endless.
But not all of these relationships will be healthy, like the parable of the sower, some efforts at love fall on stony ground, some get caught up in the weeds, and sometimes the birds fly away with your efforts toward love. How can you know if he/she is Toxic or not?
When was the last time you flirted and danced
I slipped into a side door of heaven last Friday night. It may have been the front porch. I didn’t realize it at first but keeping my eyes and ears open it became apparent what I was witnessing. The music and dancing and lots of happy people clued me in to a truth that I usually don’t notice.
My mother had invited me to join her at Ole Clinton Opry and at first I was skeptical. The format there is simple; local music, home folks, and lots of smiles. Mr. Moncrief has created an atmosphere where mostly retired folks arrive early, sit in the same spot like church people do, and then they dance. Ruby Rose greets everyone and Trish serves from the snack bar. One of God’s own children, Ayla, sings “You Are My Sunshine” every week.
The average age is what you might call ‘grandparent.’ But these folks seem to think they are at a 1950’s era sock hop! Even more improbable is the fact that most of these fine people are single again. They have raised their families, retired from their careers and most have lost their spouse, a devastating blow to anyone. Now there are a few couples that still have their long-term marital partner, but most are widowed.
Does this hold them back? Is their age slowing them down? Not at all, they flirt, joke, dance with different partners, and even get on stage to sing some of those oldie goldies from Hank, Patsy, and George Jones. You should see this crowd line dance, they still got moves!
Some find new love that can begin with sitting together. This may be followed by dinner dates at Shooter’s. Some even go on to marry: beautiful people finding happiness in a difficult time of life. They have the opportunity to sulk in their losses. They no longer have the same sense of productivity in the marketplace, a definition that traps many. Their children may not visit or call as much as they would like. And top it all off with the loss of their life long partner.
It would be easy to despair, but not these people. They show up each Friday night and sit in their spot. Some may have a little trouble with memory or hearing, but that makes each week new and refreshing. It is said that we enter the kingdom as a little child. Well let me tell you, these kids are playing and having a good time.
When was the last time you flirted and danced and laughed with your partner? Sure there are lots of stressors in life. Bills need to be paid, the children may not be acting right, and you may not even be very happy with your partner’s behavior and attitude. But there he/she is, right there beside you.
We need to appreciate the moments, take advantage of the opportunities for Coupling. We can find a little slice of heaven if we’ll just look up. Or you can go to the Opry and see for yourself. I hope you’ll see the beauty behind the challenges and changes that face us all.
Well its new years resolution time,I haven’t decided yet what I’m giving up or workingon. This seems to be a good time to look at ourselves and decide on some better habits. We all know relationships are no piece of cake. Opposites attract, right? You say to-may-toe, I say to-mah-toe. Now is a good time to set some resolutions for your relationship.
Vulnerability is important to your Coupling Love as weak
I rode the 3Gap50 last weekend. This is a bicycle ride in the North Georgia Mountains that climbs over three mountain passes. Spinning those pedals to keep moving over those mountains was very difficult but to finish the challenge was worth the effort
Discipline plays a central role in Coupling.There are rules that just need to be followed. The discipline of binding together, committing together at all times is what builds strength and resiliency into a marriage.
This one really hit a nerve with our lady readers! Grumpy old men, maybe you live with one. maybe you are one!
Miss Communication Sometimes its not what we say.
Which is it? “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” or “out of sight, out of mind?” These two common phrases, used in the same setting, have completely opposite outcomes. Apart, together?
I ran into Dennis and Terry at the Mother’s Finest concert at Cox Capital Theater. My wife and I were out acting like kids and having a grand time. Anyway, these old friends were giving me a hard time about this Coupling article. They told me to ease up; I’m setting the bar too high.
Then at church on Sunday, a kind lady said my wife was lucky to have such a sensitive and thoughtful husband. HA! My wife says I use her ideas, embellish them, and I misremember things, too.
I’m not perfect. But (Neither is she, but don’t tell her I said that!)
Right is Wrong when your working on your relationships. A follow up to the Customer Service post below.
Everybody likes good customer service. We are especially pleased with good customer service after we’ve had poor customer service.
Have you ever thought of offering good Customer Service to your partner?
It is a basic tenet of happiness in coupling, that to get what you want out of the relationship, you must first give the other what they want. But the manipulative position is always doubted. Being nice as a way of bartering is sketchy at best.
Why is it that good girls go for bad boys? Or what’s going on when your wife switches from Glenda the Good Witch to the Wicked Witch of the West? The answers to these questions are not simple, but there are answers.
It’s common for all of us to have a strong suit of behaviors that we play to and a weak suit that we hide. Carl Jung would call this our front and our shadow. The challenge is to appreciate and understand the natural duality in our partner. And even to take responsibility. We chose them for who they are and that shadow side is something we really do want.
May and June are approaching and the wedding season looms. Many June brides are busy planning, picking colors and finishing minute details to multiple events. The grooms meanwhile are oblivious.
I had the great joy of attending Catie and Philip’s wedding a few weeks ago. It was beautiful culmination of many hours of loving work. What I am referring to is the hopes and dreams of those four parents that sat on those front pews on that Saturday afternoon.
The Defense of Marriage Act was much in the news
Spring is a symbol of new growth and blossoming flowers Depending on your age you are probably looking forward to this time of year. If you are between the ages of about 12 and 25 then spring break is on your near horizon and you probably can’t wait. If you are younger or older than these parameters, you are probably looking forward to the Easter Bunny or Easter Sunday.
Are Love and lust two sides of the same coin? Certainly these two get confused. The billboard out on the interstate suggests lust leads to hell. That would put it pretty far away from love!
Maybe we are we wired for lust and hopefully love follows? Click on the blue line above to read the rest.
Valentines Day Tis the season of love. Children are writing out their cards and hoping their paper bags or shoe boxes are filled with goodies. Maybe a note from a curly haired boy or freckle faced girl that makes their heart flutter. Remember those days?
It’s a good thing to have a time like this, to make dinner reservations and buy some flowers. But it’s easily overloaded with marketing and expectations. Don’t get sucked in to the vacuous form of hearts and cupids, instead check in on your own personal love story.
What’s in a name? Do you and your partner have pet names for each other? This may be more telling than you think.
We all have a natural desire to be known and understood. Nobody can do this better than an intimate partner with whom we share everything. We all want to be understood and truly known. And this is no minor detail, it even affects our health.
Married people live longer. It’s a statistical fact. I think this is because we are known by our partner. I’m not talking about a superficial relationship. I’m talking about gut level, honest stuff.
There are many notes played in a piece of music. You may have hummed the melody to a song for years but never known the words.
Don’t let that be true about your coupling. Listening is truly an overlooked art in our society but it must be attended to in your relationship. It’s really the only way you will survive.
An old guy once told me, “you gotta have understanding.” And you only gain understanding through listening.Listening
Reflecting on vows of love in the new year
Maybe when your anniversary rolls around you remember and celebrate the day. You may go out for dinner, flowers or chocolates may be included. Cards and jewelry are always nice.
How often do you think of your vows? New Year’s Day may be a great day to reflect on your wedding vows when you find a quiet moment together. You also may do this just by yourself as you gratefully consider the blessings in your life.
How to show affection so your wife does not think all you want is sex
What’s it like loving an immortal? Superhero love
Here’s the latest article. Are you ready for the holidays and your In-Laws?
Let’s talk about the adjectives dynamic and static. Essentially, dynamic describes change. In contrast, static is about not changing but instead sitting still or being stationary. I want to suggest to you that in your coupling, change, adaptation and resiliency are essential.
I love to go to the beach. One of the things about the beach is that it changes all of the time. It doesn’t look that way, but at the edges it’s always in flux. The ocean is always moving tons of sand. Dunes grow and disappear. In times of stress the beach just takes it, and shifts and adapts. Rain, wind and storm may move it, but the beach remains a beach.
We were at the gulf just after Hurricane Isaac came through. The beaches were fine. If anything the shelling was even better.
Our relationships need to be dynamic this way. Challenges come. Illnesses come. People are not perfect and mistakes are made. A resilient couple will adjust, absorb and take these challenges to enhance the strength and security of the relationship.
It is so easy to get into a rut, yet the result is that we get stiff and brittle when we need to defend old positions. New positions may feel awkward at first but they expand our range of experience and therefore expand the base and strength of our foundation.
Beaches do shift and change. The barrier islands of the Georgia coast are all migrating south. The kids are moving out and even worse a lot of me is migrating south! My wife and I both have to be able to accept and move with these subtle changes of life.
Dauphin Island is just outside of Mobile Bay. When Katrina came through, the island was cut in half by the storm surge and waves. There was a lot of remediation that put the island back together. Isaac reopened the same cut, the same old wound. The problem is that a nearby stressor, a port channel that gets dredged, puts extra pressure on the island. I’m sure the people of Dauphin Island will work to save their island.
Storms will come that will seem to rend the two of you apart. There may even be nearby stressors that put unnecessary pressure on your relationship. The question is can you remember that you are a couple; you are committed to riding the storm out. You have made your vows and now its time to cash that check that you wrote in the beginning. Are you good for it?
The word dynamic is the base of the similar word dynamite. We all know how much power is in dynamite. And don’t think of dynamite as destructive. Dynamite was invented as a specific tool to remove unnecessary stuff. The seemingly destructive times can really be a way to remove those character defects that interfere with your coupling.
One last thing, did you know that it’s the proceeds from the patent on dynamite that funds the Nobel Peace prize? Allow your relationship to be dynamic and peaceful, not static and boring.
Here’s the latest article, Love Languages. Read it in the The Telegraph
I believe in marriage
Allow me to confess something early on in our time together considering “Coupling.” I believe in marriage. My wife and I have been married for 29 years. All of our closest friends have been married as long or longer. Not everyone is so fortunate. And maybe your experience has left you a little jaded or worse yet, the examples you’ve seen don’t draw you to the hope and possibilities of marriage.
To defend my position, I’ll draw from several streams of life.
We have to start with love. Love is primary. In terms of marriage, love tells us something else about ourselves. It speaks to our maturity and readiness for a relationship. Love will win through. If you know yourself then you know when it’s time to give yourself to someone. If you don’t know yourself then don’t tangle that with someone else’s confusion. Aware of ourselves and sincere love for the other, a serious commitment is the reasonable and mutually hoped for choice.
I think we ought to be intentional about living our lives. We do this through commitment and perseverance. We have to work for the best things in our lives. And Marriage can certainly be one of the best things but it also takes work. An example of this is found in the tension between childhood fantasies and how the world really works.
You can’t take the attitude of a child who wants a glass of milk. I love a glass of milk and appreciate when someone brings me one. But consider the farmer who brings his child a glass of milk. He maintains the barn, feeds the cow, milks the cow and carries the milk to the house. The fruit of his labor is only enjoyed as a result of much work. Marriage requires a lot of behind the scenes work to be enjoyed. You will recognize that I am borrowing from the idiom, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” If you don’t know the old adage, ask somebody you can trust.
Most reading this column have their foundation rooted in biblical principles. The Bible is very clear about the purpose and sanctity of marriage. Simply put, that the “two shall become one.” (Matthew 19:4-6) The creation story starts with a couple named Adam and Eve. And of course we all know about the work of Joseph and Mary. Without belaboring the point, I’ll simply say, marriage is God’s gift to mankind.
Another point supporting marriage is found in recent surveys and clinical studies. Polls show married folks are not only happier and live longer, but they even report more satisfying sex lives. The security provided in the committed relationship does a lot for your happiness and for your biochemistry. We produce less stress hormones called cortisols and this leads to better overall health and coping with stressful events.
Later columns will focus on the dynamics and trials of being in a committed relationship. And I assume that if you’re having trouble and you are still there, then you are in a committed relationship, otherwise you walk away. But in my mind, marriage is the highest and best model of sincere coupling.
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Very insightful. I wonder how much of the positive effect of marriage, at least those marriages necessarily grounded in love and respect as opposed to those not, is the biochemical effect of…endorphins maybe? Serotonin? These would be ingrained through our development as social animals over time, to where, through positive reinforcement of a genetic sense, (people move from coupling for procreation, to coupling for companionship, to those coupling for companionship produced more offspring due to their happiness in the companionship) people consciously, subconsciously, and physically need true companionship.